Episode•November 11, 2021•35 min

The Five Mental Games With Anna Lang | Ep. 77

About Our Guest Anna Lang connects aspiring & current entrepreneurs with the core values and skills their life demonstrates as important, so they can create clarity, live in alignment and identify the audience they are uniquely positioned to serve. As an entrepreneur for nearly 20 years, potential has been a cornerstone in everything Anna has ever done. It is what has gotten her up in the morning and kept her going late into the night. Anna's stand is that all people and all ideas have the opportunity to be developed, empowered & their potential fully realized. Whether through teaching, facilitation, networking or know-how, Anna is dedicated to having conversations, creating connections and taking on projects that will enable this reality. Connect with Anna Website: https://www.annalang.ca Instagram: @annalang_thelifeof Connect with Tiffany on Social Media Facebook: Money Talk With Tiff Twitter: @moneytalkwitht Instagram: @moneytalkwitht LinkedIn: Tiffany Grant This podcast uses the following third-party services for analysis: Podcorn - https://podcorn.com/privacy OP3 - https://op3.dev/privacy

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Key Takeaways

1
The five mental games (deletions, distortions, generalizations, personalizations, dehumanizations) shape how we interpret reality and affect every area of life, including money and relationships.
Deletions: selectively ignoring information that contradicts our preferred story
Distortions: twisting or misinterpreting what was said to fit our narrative
Generalizations: labeling groups or people to avoid deeper thinking
Personalizations: making neutral events about our own worth or rejection
Dehumanizations: stripping humanity from others to justify our behavior
2
Generous attribution—choosing to see the best in others—leads to healthier relationships and better outcomes than ungenerous attribution.
When happy with someone, we give generous attribution to their spending or actions
When upset, we delete positives and focus only on negatives
This pattern shows up strongly in couples' money dynamics
3
The moment you feel emotional charge or defensiveness is when ego and the need to be right are activated—pause and examine the story you're telling yourself.
Brene Brown's question: 'What is the story I'm telling myself?' creates space for curiosity
This language softens conversations and prevents permanent declarations about someone's character
Most things we worry about never actually happen
4
Dehumanization is the most unconscious mental game and shows up even with the people closest to us—spouses, children, and parents.
We justify controlling behavior by seeing loved ones as less worthy or moldable
Getting to know someone's story makes it nearly impossible to hate them
Building emotional intelligence requires seeing others as fully human
5
Money magnifies whatever emotional patterns already exist; the five mental games amplify insecurities, ego, and relationship issues around finances.
Deletions and distortions help justify spending or ignoring debt stress
Generalizations about 'always' or 'never' spending damage financial partnerships
Awareness of these patterns allows intentional course correction

Intro

Tiffany Grant interviews Anna Lang about the five mental games people play that distort reality, affect relationships, and show up powerfully in money decisions.
Anna Lang is an entrepreneur for nearly 20 years who has run seven businesses and founded the Just Project nonprofit helping women of abuse, bullying, and neglect. She runs the Permission to Shift Summit series and is a student of consciousness.

Website Instagram Permission to Shift

– The Five Mental Games Defined

Anna explains that mental games are played to justify what's happening in our heads and make it true. They allow us to be right, avoid change, or avoid responsibility. The five games are: deletions, distortions, generalizations, personalizations, and dehumanizations.

When we play mental games on ourselves, they're games we play to justify whatever's going on in our head and make it true.
– Anna Lang

– Deletions: What We Choose Not to See

Deletions involve literally deleting pieces of information we don't want to see. Generous attribution means thinking the best of what's happening; ungenerous attribution means only seeing the negative. People tend to give generous attribution to those they like.

What is the story I'm telling myself about the meaning this thing has and then what information am I not letting in?
– Anna Lang

– Distortions: Twisting Reality

Distortions involve tweaking, deliberately misinterpreting, or altering information to get the answer we want. Deletions and distortions often work together. Anna shares a personal story about distorting her daughter's actions to avoid responsibility for a comment about breakfast.

The second you feel a charge is when the ego is kicking in and the need to be right surfaces.
– Anna Lang

– Generalizations: Labels That Disempower

Generalizations are labels we slap on things to quickly categorize. While useful for survival, they become problematic when we use them to avoid thinking—like 'all men are narcissists' or 'my husband never picks up.' They disempower others and give them no option to behave differently.

When I say my husband never picks up, my kids always do this, we are disempowering them and giving them no option to do anything else.
– Anna Lang

– Personalizations: Making Everything About Us

Personalizations involve taking neutral information and building a story of unworthiness or rejection. Walking into a room and assuming laughter is about you, or interpreting a partner's purchase as evidence they don't value you, are examples. This pattern isolates us from others.

It's using the information in front of you to build a story of unworthiness, lack of value.
– Anna Lang

– Dehumanizations: Stripping Humanity

Dehumanizations justify treating others differently by believing they don't deserve the same life experience. We dehumanize corporations, coworkers, and even family members. The more human we make something, the less able we are to harm it. Anna notes we dehumanize spouses and children to justify controlling behavior.

If you truly believed that your six-year-old or your 18-year-old was really and truly worthy, you wouldn't seek to change them.
– Anna Lang

– The One Practice That Changes Everything

Anna recommends Brene Brown's question: 'What is the story I'm telling myself?' This creates space between stimulus and response, makes the story not absolute, and invites curiosity. When used with others, it prevents permanent declarations about character and opens dialogue.

As soon as you feel the charge... ask yourself this one question: what is the story I'm telling myself?
– Anna Lang

Resources

Topics

Mental ModelsSelf-AwarenessRelationshipsMoney MindsetEmotional IntelligenceCommunicationPersonal DevelopmentCognitive BiasesCouples & MoneyConsciousness